“Lost Now Found”

The following is something I wrote maybe seven or eight years ago over the course of a couple of evenings. I haven’t edited it before publishing it here, so it is completely untouched and is very much a product of its time. Despite this, I’m proud of what I did with it. It describes the journey of a kid who leaves his home in the middle of the night to go on a bit of an adventure. It’s not so much meant to be taken literally; it is more of an emotional adventure, into the depths of sorrow and making it out the other side. It seems that even back then I was writing about emotive matters. Enjoy!

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Old Ghosts

It's getting late. There's a downpour outside and it's only getting heavier as time goes on. It's going to be another sleepless night. I have my bedroom curtains drawn right back so that I can see all that is going on with heavy eyes as I lay back on my bed, deep in thought; the constant beating of rain against the windowpane a harsh reminder I'm still awake.

I've made many messes and have so many regrets… too many to count now; so many that I wish I could travel back in time and fix before… well, you know how it goes. My arms are scarred from every bad experience and they never seem to heal properly either. I've become numb to the world around me. I feel like I'm constantly shrouded in darkness nowadays… every night home to a new nightmare that feels everlasting; lost inside my own head, shipwrecked at sea, surrounded by the submerged ruins of a once-pristine society with nothing to hold onto to keep my head above the level. It's kind of funny, really. It's ALWAYS when you're finally convinced yourself that you've beaten your demons that those fleeting bad memories and ghosts find a way of coming back and getting you when you're least expecting it; my many failures, messy ends and missed opportunities.

The rain is still pouring outside and it's so noisy now - but ironically enough, that's when it suddenly strikes me, and clicks in a way that it hasn't before: the past REALLY is in the past. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. Yesterday is dead already and all the heartache associated with it ceases to matter now… today. 'Til the day I die, I swear I will wear these scars life gave me as a badge of honour; of perseverance; as an everlasting reminder that I made it through those nights I had convinced myself I wouldn't. I feel so tired…

I open my eyes. The rain has stopped. The windowsill is damp, as is the wall around the pane, but it's still night. I feel different… like something has fallen by the wayside finally. Maybe all the hurt I've been harbouring for all this time has finally decided to leave me be. I check my phone and it's 3:02am. I tiptoe my way out of bed and stand by the window, staring out into the night sky and beyond. Maybe things are changing now after all…

Togetherness

Never underestimate the strength of our connection with the natural world; the power and influence it can have on us as mere bystanders, in comparison to its grandeur, if we take the time to sit down and bask in all its glory.

I'm closing the house door now, and locking it, at around 8am. I'm wearing my favourite boots for I know that today, I'm going to go out and have some fun for a change! The almost-cliché abundance of gross leaves that accompanies Autumns arrival line every dirt track, road and pavement that I can see around me. I slip and slide underfoot, but I chuckle to myself, for the unexpected movement caused by my weary trainers are making things way more fun than they otherwise would have been.

I've been SO blessed with all of the good that's happened in my life up to this point. I must always remember and cherish that feeling of complete and utter contentment whenever it appears, for I know that feeling cannot and will not last. The good and the bad… if we never experienced loss or bad things, we'd never appreciate the good. We are only human, after all - and we require that gentle nudge every once in a while so that we're able to recalibrate our efforts and make lifestyle choices where necessary. Life, in its simplest form, is a fight for survival; those who thrive live a balanced life.

I'm skipping between the trees now, covering considerable distance in the process. The sun hasn't yet broken through the clouds, colouring everything cold and damp, yet I'm happy because I'm outside the house. Locking myself away for hours upon end in my bedroom is something, I learnt, that never really helps matters because it simply isn't healthy for your mental state to isolate yourself away from people and things that actually DO matter. It's tempting, sometimes - sure - but it sends you down a path that can often be very difficult to break from. A life spent alone is a sad, daunting prospect, and I think it's invaluable to remind yourself of that particular outcome when you start isolating yourself away from the people that love you.

I think that's the trick to life. On a line chart, our happiness can be represented by a series of peaks and troughs and can be interpreted in an almost binary fashion. Life is what you make of it ultimately, but it's always worth reminding yourself to keep fighting the good fight; whatever that might be. You are alive, and that's a beautiful gift, not a right or a burden. Instead of fixating on all of the bad, or the ways in which a situation can blow up, it's good just to take a deep breath and remind yourself on what you already have; not what's next.

Take a deep breath. Blink. It's amazing, all the good that you can see, if you only take the time to.

When We're Called To Go, We Must

The black, cold iron gate sends shivers down by spine as I open, and then close it, behind me. It's probably around half-past nine now, after frolicking through the forest. I had to climb a steady incline to reach this place, tucked away on the outskirts of town; against the rocky outcrop that borders my town with another. It's very uncommon to see anybody here due to its remoteness, and today is no exception…

I come here to remember the people who aren't alive anymore. I can count the names of the people that've gone on two hands in an awkwardly trivial fashion, yet the pain I feel when I remember the past is as strong as it's ever been. I come here to feel - and it hurts… it hurts a LOT to think back and to mull over what could've been, and the ways things should've gone. It's one thing for people to check in and out of your life over the course of it, but for someone to check out of this world altogether… that's a whole other thing. There's nothing you can do or say or think or act out to change events when that happens. Everything that once could've been… lost forever. It's strange, almost numbing, the way that feeling of loss can follow you around and turn everything you once loved doing to stone.

A dead Oak continues its residence in the middle of this overly-small cemetery. It's a huge tree, but has been clearly decaying for a couple of years now, and has dropped dead branches straight down onto a couple of tombstones below. I bring nothing but my thoughts and prayers to this 'yard, too scared to buy anything nice for my relatives' graves in case it's broken or possibly even stolen. My head hurts… I've been thinking way too much about the ins-and-outs of life, and our unstoppable onward march toward death. It begins to rain, and without a moment's notice I run toward some shelter in the form of what looks to be a cavern.

I trip over right in front of it, crashing through a line of support planks painted with hazard colours - and quickly realise that it leads only one way… down. I tumble down the steep incline with alarming briskness - and then, suddenly… I stop.

Down

It takes a few seconds for the dust to settle before I realise I'm underground, in what looks to be the town's old dis-used mining facility (if you can believe it!). It must have been left deserted for around twenty years now… and you can definitely tell, from all the scattered lanterns placed on rotting old oil barrels and the way that the wind is howling through this narrow cavern… a place lost to time indeed. I think I remember seeing somewhere in the town magazine that people occasionally gather here for archaeological purposes every once in a while…

I pick myself up off the floor and quickly realise there's no way I can walk back up where I fell from. I walk toward what I believe to be light emanating from a crack in the rock a few metres in front of me. I reach it, and it is golden light seeping in… but it's coming from a caved-in entrance into a different part of the mine. My hopes dashed, I try pushing the rocks away, attempting to clear a way through… but I'm not strong enough. I sink to the floor once more and think about everything and cry.

I miss my family. I miss all the people that I've pushed away because I was too lazy to help myself get better again. If I died down here, would they miss me? I saw that happen on a video game I played once… Firewatch, I think it was? A boy fell down into a cave, couldn't get back out and ended up dying down there… yeah, probably best not to think about that given my current situation. The Dad was left devastated… is that going to happen here? Or what if it starts raining, and the mine fills up with water and I drown?  Okay, now it REALLY is time to stop…

I'm stood at a junction that splits off into half a dozen different directions. I hear the faintest single footsteps behind me, and I quickly turn around onto to see a silhouette - off into the distance - looking at me from behind a rocky outcrop before sliding away out of view. Alarmed that I am now not alone down here, I pick a direction and run. I pass all sorts of different, interesting objects on my brisk journey to freedom, but I'm too scared to look back in case of what I see staring back at me. I feel like I'm going around in circles, somewhat.

I feel cool air blowing back in my face and through my hair, so I continue running and sprinting until suddenly, I'm outside again. This time I'm stood atop the rocky out-cove I fell into… I feel like a God, looking down on the entire town.

I Will Meet You There

The sun has made its debut appearance, and everything is glistening as if by starlight. I feel like a different person now… even though I was in the darkness for roughly half an hour, I made it through it alone and feel braver than I ever have done before. But it's not the same for everybody… some have no choice but to go through life alone, but to those that do have one: reach out to your loved ones and tell them that you need their help and love.

I've made that mistake a fair few times now… but I'm trying to be better. This isn't the first time I've been on this journey of trying to heal from the past, but it could've been if I had sought proper help after the first time it happened. I was stupid, I was wrong, I didn't want to accept that I needed help… but now I do. I think that's normal, and it typically takes me way longer to realise things than most people, but that's okay for every person is different.

I'm still not sure why I get unhappy in the first place. It comes and goes like the evening tide. I wish I didn't suffer with it… but then again, if I didn't, I don't think that I would appreciate all the good in my life as much. I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's okay to not be okay, sometimes. If it's near-constant or worse, then it's absolutely imperative that you seek help. The time has finally come that I move forward and take back control of my life.

It's time I get back home… I wonder if anyone missed me?