Bang. It was done; there wasn’t any coming back from this. Perhaps in the past, sure — but this wasn’t that anymore. We’d tried to make things work but you couldn’t forgive what had happened. Deep down I understood why. This was to be the last night of trying and there wasn’t use trying to prolong the inevitable. I collected my thoughts and left somewhen after eight o’clock. By this time of the year the daylight wasn’t drawn out so it was already dark. I wasn’t sure what I was doing truthfully… it was all a bit of a haze — and although I didn’t realise it at the time, I was manic and had no idea how close to edge I was about to get.

I drove, and drove, and drove until an hour later I started circling back around. The sound of orchestral swelling and rescinding filled the vehicle cabin. I retracted old haunts to try and feel some reverence for the past, anything, but it only made things worse. Weaving and speeding all over the place. Eventually I started getting further away from town; out into the countryside, down single track roads and over small bridges that disappeared under-tyre. What was even going on anymore? There wasn’t any detaching from this; it was like being on autopilot.

At some point I must’ve joined the highway… I’m not really sure how or when, but before I knew it a pair of headlights were travelling toward me on the other side of a bend. It all happened so fast and I was mesmerised from everything else that I scarce had any time to react. The driver of the other vehicle managed to swerve onto the hard shoulder but I ended up hitting the car behind them instead. There was an almighty crash but I didn’t lose black out. The air was suddenly very warm. I crawled up and out the smashed window at the same time the driver of the car who I’d crashed into was doing the same. I stopped and stared, unsure of what to do or say - and so I did neither. I jumped a nearby fence, looked back at the crash site one last time, then turned and walked away across an open field and into a copse. I don’t think anyone has followed me.

The sounds of everything dissipated the further into forest I went until there was nothing left but the sound of leaves crunching under-foot. What am I doing? I just caused an accident but here I am walking away from it. I want to go back with every fibre of my being but at the same time I can’t find the strength to. Sometimes there’s just too much that has happened to make that possible. So instead, I keep walking and walking. But I can’t go on for much longer living with the messes I’ve made. I wanted to write this so that my family know what happened to me. In some ways I hope I’m never found. There’s a really nice spot here against a tree, looking out to a small lake that I’m currently resting at. It’s really pretty here, and I’m looking at it glisten in the moonlight. The grass is damp and tickles my arms. I keep thinking about the life I’ve led and how deeply unhappy I am with some of the moves I’ve made. Perhaps I deserve this.

I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you. It wasn’t my intent, I just couldn’t anymore — you know? Things had very quickly gotten too much and although I really regret the cowardly way things have unfolded, I’m glad you don’t have to see how much lower things got for me. Thank you for everything you did to help; I never forgot that. I wish you were here right now, it would make it so much easier. You always did have a knack for helping me feel better. I’m not going to move another inch from this spot. Whatever happens, happens; I’m going to face it. I’m just happy to have made it this far in the first place.